Did you know that in 75% of the relationships that end in divorce, the couple cites money as the cause of their marital problems. That makes money the number 1 cause of divorce in the U.S.
What if you could stop arguing about all things money? What could that do for your relationship or your marriage? What if you knew what and how to teach your children about money so that they can have healthy relationships?
In this episode Kathryn speaks to Bethany and Scott Palmer about money personalities and why they are important.
Meet Bethany and Scott Palmer
Over two decades ago, our passion to save marriages was born. As Financial Advisors, for over 25 years, helping couples, we discovered: money “issues” are not about dollars and cents. Couples struggle to communicate about and agree on money which creates tension, fights, and even divorce. Couples struggles along with ours, broke our hearts and propelled us into a decade of research and work with a Stanford scientist to develop The Money Personality Assessment. We now have the Assessments, tools and resources for couples to agree about money and experience a magnificent marriage. Check out the money couple’s website and book The 5 Money Personalities: Speaking the Same Love and Money Language.
In This Podcast
- Why money is the source of problems in relationships
- The 5 money personalities
- Money tips for unmarried couples
- Navigating your child’s money personality
Why money is the source of problems in relationships
The first reason is if you don’t pinpoint, label, and understand your money differences early on to get on the same page, it can lead to tension and problems down the line. The second reason is not recognizing the pros of your money personality can be holding you back from marital bliss and opportunities when it comes to investing. Looking at money through the lenses of two differing money personalities can bring a better, more educated decision that propels a couple forward faster. You can have different money personalities and combine them into a super power. Thirdly, not compromising is a huge factor in money problems with relationships. If one person holds tightly onto the money without compromise, the other person will commit financial infidelity.
It’s almost just like a rock on the bottom of your shoe when you’re trying to run. It doesn’t really affect you that much, but as time goes on, it just continues to create a wound. And that’s what we’ve found with marriages is that suddenly they don’t even know that money is the problem.
The 5 money personalities
Everyone has a primary and secondary money personality. Two people can have the same primary personality and complete opposite secondary personality. Communication is key when there are opposites at play. The 5 money personalities are:
- Saver: like to save, get a good deal, and want other people to get that good deal too.
- Spender: love to spend money on themselves and others. They tend to be very generous.
- Risk taker: big risks like investing in land or small everyday risks like a going to a new restaurant. They like anything new, different, and adventurous.
- Security seeker: need a plan, not necessarily need to save money, but a plan to feel secure
- Flyer: money isn’t the first thing that comes to mind when they make a decision. They make up 10% of the money personalities. They think of the relationship component of money.
Money tips for unmarried couples
Recognize what the differing money personalities might be and decide if that is an okay and acceptable combination to live with. While there are no right or wrong personality combinations, certain ones, such as spender/risk taker with a saver/security seeker could be more present a unique set of challenges. Know what your own primary and secondary money personality types are, what your tolerance is, and be aware of the conflict it could present. Find a way to communicate and come up with a plan that makes everyone get along better around those types of money decisions. Learn how to compromise with purpose and respect the potentially differing personalities. Knowing who the other person is, how they view money, and both compromising with the other person’s best interest in mind is a win-win for everyone involved.
Navigating your child’s money personality
Our money personalities are innate and ingrained since childhood, whether we like to believe it or not. Now that you know about the 5 money personalities, think about which one you might fall under. Go back and think to Halloween during your childhood: did you save all your candy? Quickly consume it all? Organize it into piles? Hand it out to your friends? Those are great indicators of our money personalities from a younger age, and we’ll see those patterns trickle into adulthood. The same applies to children. If you notice your child has worked all summer, for example, and wants to spend their hard earned money on something you would otherwise deem as useless, consider a conversation around it first. Rather than shaming a child who might fall under the “spender” personality, engage them in a way that is productive and empowering. It’s a great opportunity to parent with purpose. Trying to change a money personality with a child is just as futile as attempting to change that of a partner or spouse.
Books mentioned in this episode
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Meet Kathryn Ely
I’m Kathryn Ely and at age 50, I’m enjoying my very best life. I spent years as a lawyer and then stay-at-home mom helping others go out into the world and live their best lives. While this was very important to me, I did not realize that I was losing myself in the process. I followed all of the “shoulds” like “women should always care for others” and “taking time for yourself is just selfish”.
As two of my children were getting ready to go out into the world I realized I was lost, without my next purpose, and it was scary. So I went back to school and over the course of several years, I not only found myself, but I designed the formula for women in midlife to achieve their most fulfilling lives. It is my mission to equip as many women as possible with this design and the tools to make this chapter of their lives the best chapter.
Thanks for listening!
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Imperfect Thriving is part of the Practice of the Practice Podcast Network, a network of podcasts seeking to help you thrive, imperfectly. To hear other podcasts like the Bomb Mom Podcast, Beta Male Revolution, or Empowered and Unapologetic, go to practiceofthepractice.com/network.
Welcome to the show, Bethany and Scott. I’m so excited to have you here today.
Thanks for having us.
It’s great to be here.
So I want to just dive right in, but first I just want wondered if y’all would tell me a little bit about how you became the money couple. How did you get to where you are today?
Absolutely. We’d love to.
It all kind of started. Bethany and I had been in the financial planning industry for over 25 years. And it started about actually 10 years ago when we had a couple come in that had, they were like, perfect on paper. Everything was going fantastic for them.
They had a lot of money.
They had a lot of money, he had a very successful tech business here in the Springs. And it was just like I said they looked perfect on paper. So they came in for their account review, their quarterly account review. And Beth and I were sitting down with them and we had all the graphs and everything was ready to go. And the tension was just so crazy thick that you could just cut it with a knife in that room.
And so I thought, maybe they got into a fight on the way there, maybe something happened to the elevator, you know, whatever. We’ve been married for a long time too, so we know things just kind of happened. And so we, after about five or 10 minutes, I just said, I hate to be captain obvious here, but are you guys okay?
Cause it’s just really really a tense time. And she said, well, actually we don’t really care about the review. We’re here to split up our assets because we’re getting divorced and my jaw hit the ground. And I naturally, go in my brain, somebody cheated out who, and who’s got the addiction and what’s going on.
So I just said, well, do you mind if I ask you what the main problem here is with your marriage? And she said, yeah, I don’t mind it’s money. We just can’t get along about money. And I’m looking at our, I’m looking at the papers. And I said, I don’t understand how that could be true. You guys have plenty of money and every box that we, we tell ourselves, and as advisors we tell our clients, they have to check it’s checked.
So how does that work? So we spent the rest of the time splitting up those assets. And then a couple days later, I mean, we knew these people. We were like doing sports with their kids and our kids and these weren’t like just acquaintances. So I called them the next about two days later, Beth and I went home and we were just floored and I just called him and I said, man, I’m not getting this.
I don’t see how y’all could be getting divorced over money when you have so much money. I said, just give me two examples. He goes, okay. My first example is coffee. And I was like, what do you mean coffee? And he said, you know how I like my cup of coffee in the morning and he had this this fancy house that he used to go to, to get his coffee just made just perfect for him.
And I said, yeah, he said Scott every morning for the last 15 years, she hands me a thermos of coffee that she’s made at home and said, why don’t you just drink this it’s cheaper. And goes, I throw it into the back seat. And then I come home and hand her a cold thermos of coffee every single afternoon.
He said another example is lunch. Now this guy was very successful in networking over lunches. So he would bring two or three times a week, he brings seven to 10 guys together for a lunch, would hold the big launch up at the club and basically have a networking lunch and that used to just drive her crazy and because he paid for it and he’d walk through that door every day and she’d be like where’d you go to lunch?
How much did you spend? Who was there? Why did you have to pay for that again? And he said after 15 years, she’s sick of the fights and I’m sick of the fights. So we hung up the phone. I hung up the phone, reported back to Bethany what he had said, and we just went on like, okay, we can help them with this.
We can find a resource, we can do something that’s going to help them identify why this is such a huge wedge in their relationship. And we found nothing. We found all the books you need to know on getting out of debt, how to pay your mortgage off early, how to have the perfect retirement, but we found nothing about how do you communicate about money and get on the same page.
And so that’s what’s really launched the money couple was just a lack of information and resources for couples when it came to their money.
So then we said, we’ve got to put together a system or a way for couples to understand their differences. Cause we all know that opposites attract, I mean, opposites totally attract.
And it does. It’s no different with money either. I mean, opposites attract when it comes to how you think about money. How you spend money, how you save money, how you take risks money. I mean, it’s just there. So how do you kind of pinpoint and label the differences? So then you can have an opportunity to get on the same page and to use the pros, the good things about each money personality. So that’s why we develop the five money personalities.
Yeah. Yeah. So what I’m hearing is it’s not about the money really. It’s about the person, what the person finds important, what the person values underneath it that leads to how they spend money. And then the problems are us.
Exactly. And we are ingrained, born with a way that we think about money and yes, our parents had a way that they thought about money too.
But have you ever noticed that sometimes people either really adhere to how their parents spent money and saved money and spent Christmas money or they rebel against it? It is because we’re all different. And we’re born with the way that we think about it. And it’s a very personal thing.
And so when we’re married and you attack the other way the person thinks about money, it becomes very, very personal and what’s really a challenge is the people who are more on the conservative side of thinking about money, saving, security seeking, or needing a plan with money. They usually are perceived as the right way to think about money.
I mean, you’re a good person because you save money. And so what happens is the other money personalities get ostracized. And then that’s where the tension begins and it ends oftentimes, we have 50% divorce rate and according to our research, 80% of people are married to their opposite money personalities.
And so we are not surprised that we have such a big divorce rate because we have money decisions that we make every single day. People want to think that money decisions are just retirement planning, savings, tax planning, estate planning, and all that. No, it’s actually like every day decisions. Like I just put gas in my car and I had to decide am I going to get high grade gas or low grade gas. I mean, there’s a money component to that decision. And I had to decide, am I gonna get a drink in the convenience store or not? There’s just a money component to every decision. So when you’re married and you’ve got all these money decisions all the time and you think so differently about it, it’s gonna set yourself up for disaster unless you really know and understand your differences.
Yeah. I had no idea that about 75% of divorce couples cite money as the cause of their marital issues. So is that why it’s because it’s not just the big decisions. We make little money decisions all day long, and if you’re not on the same page there.
I mean, a great example is a lot of people say well, if we have this perfect budget we’re going to have a great relationship. And that gets reinforced through every financial guru that you can listen to on the radio today. If you don’t have debt, then you’re going to have marital bliss. Oh if you all have the perfect budget you’re going to have marital bliss. Scientifically, you can prove that’s not true.
And the reason is you can have one person in the relationship that puts together the perfect budget that they got online and they go through the whole thing and yeah, yeah, yeah, this looks great. And the other person doesn’t adhere to that budget and you’ve got this huge amount of marital strife and the person saying, well, this person on the radio told me that if we did this, everything was going to be fine.
And the other person saying you didn’t even talk to me about the budget and I don’t want to spend our money like that. And so, yeah, the little trips to the store or the little extra buys at the grocery store or the extra trip to Nordstrom’s or the extra trip to Target. Those start to basically build huge wedges in relationships because one is trying to control the money and one isn’t trying to control the money. And the one that is controlling the money is convinced that the other person’s wrong and the other person’s wrong is convinced that they’re money control freaks. And there’s just no way for that relationship to grow.
And so it really bleeds over into every aspect, right?
And why start? I mean, we call that financial infidelity.
I mean, for example, I was helping a woman. I have one of those cricket machines, those machines that cut out papers. Technologically it’s really cool. Anyway, I was helping her with it and she brought her machine over to my house and she’s like, well, I’ve been hiding this machine from my husband for the last year.
And I was like, it all was revolved around money. I mean, I’m sure he was just like, why would I ever spend $300 on this machine? And it’s just stuff like that. And I didn’t even have to know their money personalities. Like I could guess them just by what she said. And we hear that and it’s, for some reason, lying about money sometimes gets a chuckle and a laugh and like it’s okay.
But what happens is it builds a wedge between you two, and there’s no way that you can get close if there’s lies in your relationship.
So that really leads me to my next question, which is what are the three biggest money mistakes that couples make?
Well, the first one, I mean, let’s separate them out.
We’ve got money decisions in terms of financial planning I mean, that’s pretty easy. You don’t plan for your future. You don’t do retirement planning. You don’t do tax planning. You don’t do estate planning. I mean, those are huge mistakes that you make in the financial side, but let’s look at the relationship side and what are the biggest mistakes there that happen when you don’t understand your differences.
That’s the biggest one. I mean, if you don’t understand and pinpoint and label your differences it’s virtually impossible to get on the same page. And then the other thing that a mistake that people we’ll make when it comes to relationship is money.
Number one is not an identifying your differences. But number two is not using the pros if you will, of your money personalities to give yourself marital bliss, to give yourself some good opportunities when it comes to investing because you’re just so convinced that your way’s the right way that you’re not open to maybe your spouse has some really, really good ideas.
I mean, Scott and myself, we’re both primary what we call spenders. So we love to spend money. We love to give gifts. Spenders are huge gift givers. And that’s just like who we are at the core, but our secondary money personalities are completely opposite.
I’m a risk taker and Scott’s a security seeker. He always needs a plan. And I’m always saying, let’s go for it. Well, there’s real benefits to always needing a plan and there’s real benefits for taking it risks. So if we’re fighting that against each other, we’re not going to get anywhere. But if we bring those together and we look at whatever situation we have through both of the lenses, wow maybe we could make a better, more educated decision and one that’s going to move us forward faster.
And I think that’s where we see the 75% of all divorces citing money is their number one reason for breaking up is because those money differences just kind of start weaving their way through their relationship.
I mean, it’s almost just like a rock on the bottom of your shoe when you’re trying to run. It doesn’t really affect you that much, but as time goes on, it just continues to create a wound. And that’s what we’ve found with marriages is that suddenly they don’t even know that money is the problem.
They’re fighting about that budget, but they’re not saying well, that’s money. They’re fighting about where they’re living because they can’t afford to live in the house they want, well, that’s about money. I mean, a lot of what we see couples do is they don’t even understand the reason they’re fighting and their issue that it is money.
And so once, like what Bethany said, when you identify the money personalities, the third biggest mistake they make is they do not compromise. And if you can’t compromise in your relationship when it comes to money, just get divorced right now. Just save yourself the headache. It’s never going to get any better.
If you’ve got one person that’s holding onto the purse strings so tightly, the other person is just going to going to commit financial infidelity and you’re going to get divorced. So just save yourself on the attorney right now. Get it done.
So, what I’m also hearing is that if our money personality and how we deal with money is innate and you really disagree with your partner and you start arguing about that, you’re going to build resentment because each person is going to take it so personally. You are insulting them personally at the core.
Because what you’re basically doing is calling them stupid. That’s one thing that none of us can handle in a relationship is condescending relationship where you feel like the other person just thinks you’re stupid and it doesn’t have to be that way.
And the great thing is, I believe, that if you have opposites that attract like Bethany and I are secondary money personalities could not be more different. Well, I was always the no guy in the relationship. And so that created tension in our relationship for the first 10 years until we had the money personalities.
And then we had the money personalities and suddenly Bethany’s saying, do you realize that you always say no? And I’m like, no. And then, but yes, I do always say no. Oh my gosh, I’m a jerk. And so that for Bethany and I, I just came up with my own thing when she would come to me with an idea, I would say, can I think on this?
And by the way, don’t hit me with this after 8:30 at night, but can I take that data and can I run with it? Like she found this piece of property and she said, I think we should buy this piece of property. And I knew my money personality, security seeker, was gonna freak out because I, in my opinion, it was in the middle of nowhere.
And I said, well, can I just do some research on it? And she’s like, go be you, go do your research. I came back to her with all this information and I’m like buy that piece of property that is in the middle of a place that’s going to be developed in two years and we ended up killing it on that piece of property.
So her risk taker and my security seeker came together. And we made an awesome purchase. And so I think that’s one thing, and that’s our message of hope to couples is that you can have your different money personalities, but you can combine them and you can have a super power.
Yeah. I absolutely love that. And I love how you tapped into exactly who you are so that you could y’all could communicate in the best way together. Hey, don’t bring this up to me at this time of day because you’re not going to get my best self or my best response. I have to tell that to my children.
Don’t come to me at 8 or 8:30 at night with a technical difficulty. Yeah. With needing help, with me getting back on my computer. Cause I’ve been on my computer all day long and I just don’t have any patience left for that at that time of day. I won’t be the person that I want to be to you if you come to me with that kind of problem then. So let’s find a better time to do that. And it creates a better result every single time. Now that we have told our listeners so many times about money personalities will y’all explain to me the five different money personalities.
Sure. Absolutely. Well, there’s five of them and it’s really important to note that everybody has two: a primary working inside of them and a secondary working inside of them. Because if you stop with the primary, your secondary could be opposite of it. And then you’re really not getting to the core of who you are. So the five are, first one’s a saver and a saver loves to save. They love to save themselves.
They love a good deal, but they also like other people to get a good deal. It’s really interesting. It’s like, you need to get that good deal as well. So saver. Second one’s a spender. Spenders love to spend money on themselves and they love to spend money on others. Super generous.
The third money personality is risk taker. Now the risk taker, they love to take big risks like buying land and things like that. But they also love small everyday risks like trying a new restaurant or go to a new store. Something new, something different. They really like that adventure side to life.
And the fourth money personality is a security seeker. Now the security seeker needs a plan. They seek security and they get that security from having a really really good plan, a plan for the future. They don’t really care about saving money, that’s not their big issue. Their issue is they have to have a plan with their money. Both of our children, their secondary money personality is security seeker. So I’ll say to them ok guys what’s the plan for the day and they love it. That word is just really good for them.
And then the fifth money personality is really interesting. We found that about 10% of people have this money personality that we call a flyer. The flyer is a person who flies by the seat of their pants when it comes to money. Money isn’t really the first thing that comes to mind when they’re making a decision. Like if they’re going to go on a vacation for example. They’re not going to think of the money component, they’re going to think of the relationship side of money. They are more in tune to the relationship than to the money decision. So for example Scott’s mom.
Yeah my mom is a hilarious flyer. You can ask her, Hey mom, do you want to go out to dinner with us? And the answer is, yes every time, she couldn’t care less about the money. She doesn’t even ask where we’re going. She’s just like text me the location and dad and I will be there. She’s completely detached from any of the major money decisions because that’s not how she thinks.
We talked about this a little bit before, but everybody has a primary one and a secondary one and understanding both of those and the dynamic of the four inside of your relationship is really important.
And that’s where you can really, again, start to identify the conflicts and where they come and then you can actually have compromise, I mean, compromise with purpose. We call it compromise with purpose because you’re compromising in a way that can satisfy you both instead of just compromising for the heck of compromising.
So now that we know there’s a primary personality and a secondary money personality and what the five money personalities are can you tell me, are there some money personalities that match up better with others? And are there any that just don’t work together at all?
Well, I mean, we see this in relationships all the time.
So I mean like Bethany and I were both primary spenders in our relationship. And so when it comes to spending money, she kind of leaves me alone and I kind of leave her alone and we talk about it. But like yesterday I had my son plays football at the air force Academy and I bought this amazingly cool air force Academy sweatshirt, and she opened it up and she was like, Oh, that’s cool. That doesn’t create conflict in our relationships. In some relationships, especially if one was the spender and one was a saver, somebody’s going to hit the roof. Where we have conflict is that we work together, we’ve always worked together, in the business relationship.
So Bethany’s much more willing to take risks and I’m not. And so what we had to get our arms wrapped around was that was something we were going to struggle with unless we figured out how to communicate about it. And so, it’s interesting I have something called the opposite dynamic, so I’m a primary spender, secondary security seekers.
So if we have the money, I don’t have a problem spending it. If we don’t have the money and she spends it then I’ll shut down and get all uptight about it because that’s an internal conflict that I have to deal with. But one of the things that we love to talk about is that we really believe that if you have opposite money personalities in your relationship, that’s a good thing too, because it can bring balance and different perspective in that relationship.
And one of the things we know too is there’s no right money personality and no wrong money personality combination. And so, I mean, I don’t know how many combinations between four money personalities there could be.
I’m not a mathematician that way, but I mean, there’s so many different ones ways that it could be, and, we’re attracted to the person cause we’re attracted to the person. But when it comes to the money and talk about money, just making sure you understand what those money personalities are and if you aren’t married and you’re looking to get married, deciding if that is an okay and acceptable combination for you to live with.
If you’re a, let’s say a spender/risk taker like myself, and I was dating a saver/security seeker, like totally opposite. Could not be more opposite. I would go nuts and know that now I would go absolutely nuts.
So in fact, our kids even know their money personalities and they know. Like my one son’s a risk taker/security seeker, which is really weird. And my other son is just like Scott, spender/security seeker. And they know that people who are uber savers can drive them nuts and they already know they’re in their teens. That they don’t want to marry somebody who’s like a saver/security seeker. That would be so hard for them every single day. And so is it wrong if they would marry a saver/security seeker? No. But your question was other ones that are more compatible. Yes. But the most important thing is to A. know what they are. And then B. decide if that’s something between now and dead that you’re okay with. That’s what you have to really think about if you’re going to be a real wise, in the choosing of who you’re going to live with or marry.
Okay. I definitely have a follow-up question about those who aren’t married yet, but if you are in a relationship or are married, what I’m hearing is notice it. Know what your personalities are, know what your tolerance is, be aware of the conflict that can present. Find a way to communicate and come up with a plan that makes you all get along better around all of those decisions.
Which is going to be really compromised. Yeah. I mean really that where Bethany and I had to figure out how to, cause I’m not going to change and she’s not going to change. And that’s just kinda like relationships 101. If you’re expecting somebody money personality to change. Good luck. It’s not going to happen. But if you learn how to compromise. And you respect her and she respects me and you kind of say, okay, I know she’s a risk taker.
So we have to have certain things built into our business to allow her to do that. Then I don’t get uptight. She doesn’t get uptight and we can continue to move forward.
It’s so true. A lot of times what happens is people who are more on the spectrum of saver and security seeker, they usually think that they are smarte when it comes to money. Because our society tells them they are, you’re debt free and you’re this and you’re that you’re such a great money manager because of that. But oftentimes that those money personalities want to change the other. And they’re like I’m going to teach them, I’m going to put a budget together and then they’re going to see the light and it doesn’t work.
That’s where that 70% of divorces are caused by money because the one person just has enough and says, you’re not going to control me when it comes to our money. Because what happens is when someone starts controlling the money or the assets in the relationship, a bunch of other stuff starts getting controlled too.
So suddenly you think, we can’t go to that restaurant – why?You’re so controlling. It’s a money issue. We can’t buy that car – why? We have plenty of it money to buy it. It’s a money issue. So a lot of the issues that feel controlling, they don’t even know that money is really the bottom line on how they’re controlling in the roots.
And they ended up getting divorced because they grow apart. How many times have we heard that of couples and friends of ours that have been divorced? We just grew apart. No you didn’t. One person was controlling in the relationship and one person woke up one morning and said, I’m out.
Yeah, that is so helpful. So let’s keep talking about prevention, right? So we know what to do. Now, if you are married and you’re having problems around money and just in general problems in your marriage and decisions that you’re making, what can couples do who are thinking about having a future together?
What are some tips that y’all have for them when it comes to planning their future and avoiding some of these problems?
I mean, knowledge is power. And if you understand your money personalities and you’re willing to work through those, you can turn around just about any relationship.
And that’s why we came up with the love and money system because we wanted couples in a short period of time to be able to work through that, to get their relationship righted as quickly as possible because money doesn’t have to end your relationship. As a matter of fact, when you’re on the same money page, money just shows up.
I mean really the prosperity in the relationship goes, the tension leaves in their relationship and that’s why we put the love and money system.
And what that system does is that allows you to do something called a money dump a money huddle, and learn how to fight fair, using your money personalities.
And it’s so powerful to see a couple who didn’t know what they were, didn’t even have any clue as to what their money personalities were. And then they did and see like light bulbs go on and work together. Like in our situation, how can I embrace Scott’s security seeker to help us and how can he embrace my risk taker to help us.
So it’s bringing you together in a way that is so unique and different, but so deep and foundational to who you are as people. So we don’t like to say that these money personality combinations will not work because that’s like saying somebody who I don’t know to give tips and somebody who doesn’t like to give tips, it would never work.
I mean, it’s no, it’s just a difference. But let’s understand why one is one way and why one is the other because of their many personalities and let’s move forward together with that new knowledge and compromise with purpose. One of the things that we talk about is we probably all have heard, you know, well compromise is key, compromise is important. But when you compromise, knowing who the other person is and how they view money, It feels so good on each side.
When Scott knows that I’m just let’s say Scott knows I have an idea. Like, let’s say I had an idea to build a business. Okay. And I come to Scott and Scott is just like, he can’t hear it. I chose the wrong time or he just too much in his brain or whatever. And I say, you know what, honey, that’s your security seeker.
No problem. I get it. Let’s talk about it in a few weeks. That feels so good on his side because I’m actually speaking to who he is. And if you’re both doing that.
Yes, that is so powerful. It’s sort of brought to mind, what it looks like when you try to put magnets together and they’re on the right wrong side and how they just repel, repel, repel, and then they get the money system, the money huddle, the money dump. And then all of a sudden you’re turned back around and going straight together is what it sounds like to me.
You’ve got it. As a matter of fact, when we do our marriage conferences, we actually have two huge magnets. Yes, we do. We were going like this as a visual to show.
And then what happens when you know them, it actually goes together. So that’s funny that you should say that because it is so true. It’s such a great visual.
That is funny. So the other thing that I really liked, like is the compromise with a purpose, right? If you are just compromising to compromise, you feel like you’re losing something.
Whereas if you’re compromising with your “why.” Why am I doing this right in front of you? What you value then once again you’re drawn to do it and it’s not a chore. It’s not a sacrifice.
I mean, that that’s exactly it. I mean, if you compromise the one that is compromising feels like a loser, but if you’re both compromising with the other person’s best interest in mind, understanding your money personality, it’s a win for both of you.
Oh, yeah, absolutely. I love that. So let’s take it one more step further in the direction of prevention. How can we as parents teach our children about money to avoid problems in relationships when they are adults?
Well, by understanding what your kid’s money personalities are and that’s why we put an assessment together for kids at different ages and stages. Because the reality is that when it comes to money with my youngest, I totally get him because he’s me.
So there’s no conflict there. When he does something with money, my first, I mean, I laugh and go, oh yeah. That’s kinda like me. My oldest son and his risk taker side drive me crazy sometimes. But when he does something, like we live in Colorado and he’s always had a job. And so he came home and showed us this kayak that he was going to buy, that was about $1,200. And I said, cool kayak, we have no water here. So where are you going to kayak? But I knew it risk taker was like, Hey, I should have a kayak. So really understanding what your kid’s money personality does is huge because I could have put him in a position where I was shaming him.
I could’ve put him in a position where like, what are you thinking? You don’t need a kayak. We don’t even have a puddle within 60 miles, but instead I laughed and thought that’s my risk taker. And it took the conversation in a different way where I was like, dude, that’s a dope kayak. Where do you plan on kayaking?
And he’s like, oh yeah, there’s no place to kayak. And I’m like, yeah, if I were you, I might think about spending that money on your truck or spending that money on this. And so there was no conflict. There was no shaming and that’s the power that we have as parents. There’s a big difference between correcting and shaming and I’m all for discipline, I’m against shaming.
And when we shame with money, what happens is we’re putting into practice what we’re trying not to have them do as adults. And that’s what we’re doing as parents. We’re just trying to launch them. So they don’t mess their lives up any worse than we messed ours up.
And if we put them in a position where if they’re in a relationship and suddenly the person is controlling and shaming them over the way they spend money, there should be this little flag that goes up that says, that’s not the way my mom and dad treated me and that’s not the way I want to be treated.
And it’s interesting too, to note that all of the money personalities can be seen in every day kinds of situations for in your children. It’s so fun to know what they are like the label, if you will, but then you’ll see them act it out. So my one son, he’s getting ready to go back to school.
He’s one of those that actually gets to go back to school and he was going to go buy all of his school supplies, but I actually had a bin of extra stuff from last year with notebook, paper and pencils and stuff like that. And I’m like, well, honey, I said, why don’t you go through this?
See what you already have. And then you can go to the store and get the difference. And it’s like his spender/security seeker, his spender was like, I’m wanna buy new. It was new. It’s not, notebook paper that’s never been used before, but because he’s a spender he wanted new. And I’m like, and so we had a discussion about that all based around money personality I said, right, you are a primary spender.
However, let’s also talk about balancing that out with how do you actually use things that you already have. So it was a great opportunity. I wasn’t shaming him. I wasn’t going, of course you do you stupid idiot. You know, I’m like, no, but I knew why he wanted all new in his mind. So just really, really good opportunities to parent with purpose as well.
So, yeah, I love that because I was thinking about, okay, at what age do we start teaching them what to look for in other people and other relationships. But what I’m hearing is at a young age, it is helpful to you and your family dynamic in your relationships with your children and not just thinking about their future relationships.
I mean, the earlier the better. And the crazy thing about how we came to really understand the kids’ money personalities is we used a Halloween candy. So we had all of our friends just give us a synopsis on how their kids handled their Halloween candy and how they consumed it. So we proved that the money personalities are part of your DNA, just like, you’re not going to change your spouse. You’re not going to change your kids’ money habits. That’s who they are. That’s the color of their hair. It’s the color of their eyes.
It’s their DNA. And so if we can work with it and we can encourage them in it. So like for instance, my 16 year old. He’s been dating this girl for about nine months and they’re so insanely cute. It’s ridiculous. But he came home the other day and he’s like, dad, Amanda’s a total spender.
And he gave me all of these things that he’s watched her do over the last nine months that proved to him that she was a spender. Well, he’s a spender. And so it was, it was just amazing to hear my 16 year old be able to make a synopsis on his girlfriend.
It’s creating an incredible level of awareness, right? That’s going to bleed over into everything that they do. They’re going to be mindful and aware of different parts of their relationships, what they like, what they don’t like. So that when they’re grown, boy, they’re ready.
Yes. And you know, I’m going to expand just a little bit on what Scott was thing about the Halloween candy. One of the things in our observation of kids was that some kids would save their candy. Some kids would consume it really fast. That would be a spender. Some kids traded it with their brothers. Like, I’ll give you this. If you give me that, that kind of thing, those are the risk takers. Some kids like organized their candy in other different piles, you know, candy bars here.
There we go. Security seekers. And then, after that, then you have the flyers and those are the kids that would just like give their candy away to their buddies. And no one told them to do that. And the way we discovered it was I came downstairs one Halloween, at that night. And our kids had it all organized.
And they’re both secondary security secrets. And I was like, Oh my gosh, this is like so wild. And then that’s what started our our research and we count it.
We found it totally consistent.
I can now think about my three kids and how they do with their Halloween candy.
I can totally see. That is so cool.
When I was little, I would consume it really fast. Spender. And I would trade with my brother, risk faker. No one told me to do that. Scott would totally eat it really fast, but he had a consumption plan. I knew that that’s a security seeker. He had all his in different piles.
I never put my candy in piles ever. So it’s just amazing to us how real this is, how it’s in your DNA and how powerful it can be in relationships. Whether it’s the marriage relationships, where it’s the parent child-relationships. It’s so powerful.
Well, I love that. And I’ve read the book now I’m going to be sharing it and talking with all of my kids about it.
it’s really, really great. I’m loving. It’s really not about money. It’s about psychology. It’s about relationships. It’s about interaction. So, I just suggest that everybody go out and get a copy for yourself. Get a copy for one of your friends because it can really do amazing things in your life.
So. Where is the best place for everyone to find more about y’all and your book.
Okay, great. Well, if you go to our website at themoneycouple.com, that’s where all of our assessments are housed and they’re all free. So the ones for the kids are free, the money personalities are free. And then we also have a money relationship assessment as well.
So that’s a great place to start, but that is just scratching the surface, knowing your money personality is one thing, but diving in is another thing. So you can either go to our website or go to Amazon and get the book “The Five Money Personalities.”Also we have for parents, “The Five Money Conversations to have with Your Kids at Every Age and Stage,” which is a really powerful tool.
And then if you want the whole enchilada, that’s our system, come to our website at themoneycouple.com.
Okay, perfect. And I like to wrap up with each podcast with the very same question. So what is one. imperfect action that you suggest our listeners do today to move closer to their best life.
I’m going to say this. I’m going to say the one thing that each of your listeners could do today to give them them a better clearer life that is to take the money personality assessment. Know your money personalities. Own your money personalities. It will impact you now, and it will impact your future and your future relationships like you never believe.
And I would say today find out something new about yourself and be okay with it. I mean, I think as a society, we’re kind of scared. We’re so busy looking at what everybody else is doing wrong. That we stopped kind of examining ourselves. And so whether, if it’s your money, personality or it’s, why am I having a bad day?
What did I have to do with precipitating that bad day? Just learn something cool and new about yourself and be totally okay with that.
Well I absolutely second both of y’alls emotions. That’s exactly what I would have said. Go get, go. Do those assessments. And in doing that, you will find out something new about yourself today that you can really use to create a better future for yourself.
So on that note, I just want to thank Bethany and Scott, thank you all so much for being on the show. I’ve had the best time talking with you all.
Our pleasure. Thanks for having us.
It was great to be with you. Thank you.