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When we have goals in life that we want to achieve, reverse engineering – or working backwards – can pinpoint daily, weekly, and monthly actions needed to reach those desired outcomes. While it is important to focus on what we want out of life, it is just as important to avoid regrets in this one life we have to live. Bronnie Ware wrote an article that later was the subject of her book, “Top Five Regrets of the Dying: A Life Transformed by the Dearly Departing“

In this week’s episode of Imperfect Thriving, we’ll go over the top 5 regrets and how to avoid them. This is not meant to be some big downer, instead a wake up call. Spend some time thinking about what you want to be able to remember about your life when you are toward the end. Don’t get stuck in it. Use these thoughts to help you reverse engineer yourself to the life you want. The life of your dreams.

In This Podcast

Summary of the 5 regrets

• I wish I had let myself be happier
• I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends
• I wish I had the courage to express my feelings
• I wish I had not worked so hard
• I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself and not the life others expected of me

I wish I had let myself be happier

Fear of change can keep us in our comfort zone and lead to feeling content, but not true satisfaction and happiness with our lives. The emotion itself of fear isn’t what leads to this regret, rather those individuals’ avoidance of fear. Fear is a natural emotion and often keeps us safe, but there is little room for growth in that space. To avoid this, live mindfully, in the present, and be intentional with your time and actions. There needs to be an adjustment in how we see and deal with fear. Relisten to episode 32 “How You See Fear is Everything with Kristen Ulmer” to hear about new ways to interact with fear and to avoid this regret.

I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends

Women in particular will feel guilt for taking time away from family or children to spend time with friends. At the end of the life, there have been deep regrets about not reaching out to connect. The importance of social connectedness is undisputed in research. A sense of belonging to community and supportive friendships has been proven to given visually impaired elders an overall better life satisfaction. Facebook has also been shown to promote feelings of social connectedness and improve quality of life. Avoiding this regret is a twofold process. First, if there are issues in close relationships, identify the problem. Often with the help of a coach or counselor, working through interpersonal problems can help with rebuilding rich relationships. The second is find time for friends. As busy as we are, a Zoom call or even coffee in person is all it takes to stay connected. Acknowledge if limiting beliefs such as feeling unworthy or unlovable are preventing you from connecting with friends and consider confiding into a coach to take a deeper look at those thoughts.

I wish I had the courage to express my feelings

Avoiding speaking up for fear of judgement or criticism is the often the cause of this regret.

Many kept feelings to themselves to avoid conflict because they were afraid to rock the boat.  Many of those with this regret actually became sick because of the level of resentment that they carried around with them as a result of not using their voices.

To avoid this regret, speak up for yourself when it comes to people and issues that are important to you. Use your voice calmly and with confidence to express your thoughts and set boundaries when needed. Oftentimes limiting beliefs get in the way here too, delve into that if that is the case.

I wish I had not worked so hard

At the time of writing this article, men were working more than women and every one of them had this regret. Now that women are splitting time between work and family, it’s an important regret to take note of. Most of the individuals that had this regret missed out on special occasions with their children and companionship of their partners. To avoid feeling this regret, be valued focused, intentional, and productive with your time. Work smarter, not harder and make sure your mindfulness practice is weekly, if not daily.

I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself and not the life others expected of me

At the end of life, the number one regret was looking back on dreams unfulfilled because of choices. Let go of perfectionism, limiting beliefs, and take action towards what is valuable to you. more you will let go of these dreams and the possibilities that come with them and the more regrets you will have. Reach out to a coach of counselor to uncover these limiting beliefs to take the first step on your journey to your best life.

Blueprint to Thrive Coaching Program

I hope you have been enjoying the podcast! If you feel stuck, lack direction or feel like you are holding yourself back in life, just reach out to me for your Blueprint to Thrive Coaching Program. In this program, I show you step-by-step, through short videos and activities, how to let go of the limiting beliefs holding you back, determine what is really important to you, and the imperfect daily actions to get you there. And it comes with 2 free 30 min. coaching sessions to help you in the areas in which you want more attention. Click here to start.

Useful links:

• What is Your Money Personality with Bethany & Scott Palmer | IT 037
• Imperfect Thriving Facebook Group
• Imperfect Thriving on Instagram
• Imperfect Thriving Free Email Course (Your Blueprint To Thrive)

Meet Kathryn Ely

I’m Kathryn Ely and at age 50, I’m enjoying my very best life. I spent years as a lawyer and then stay-at-home mom helping others go out into the world and live their best lives. While this was very important to me, I did not realize that I was losing myself in the process. I followed all of the “shoulds” like “women should always care for others” and “taking time for yourself is just selfish”.

As two of my children were getting ready to go out into the world I realized I was lost, without my next purpose, and it was scary. So I went back to school and over the course of several years, I not only found myself, but I designed the formula for women in midlife to achieve their most fulfilling lives. It is my mission to equip as many women as possible with this design and the tools to make this chapter of their lives the best chapter.

Thanks for listening!

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Imperfect Thriving is part of the Practice of the Practice Podcast Network, a network of podcasts seeking to help you thrive, imperfectly. To hear other podcasts like the Bomb Mom Podcast, Beta Male Revolution, or Empowered and Unapologetic, go to practiceofthepractice.com/network.

Podcast Transcription

Kathryn:

As I sit here and record today, it’s a Sunday afternoon and I can hear the sound of the rain out on the metal roof and it seems like the perfect time for reflection. So I’m hoping that you will find some time to reflect about today’s episode and find a way that it can help you get to the life that you want.

I like to reverse engineer in life whenever possible. I figure out what I want in life – a goal or an outcome that I want to achieve – then I work my way backwards to the monthly, weekly, and daily actions that I need to take to achieve this outcome.

I spend most of my time focusing on what I want to have happen in my life, instead of what I don’t want to happen. But recently when I was doing some research, I stumbled across something that got me thinking about what I definitely don’t want in my life and that is regret. I do not want to get to the end of this life I have been given and think back and wish I had done it all differently.

What I stumbled upon that got me thinking about this was an article by Bronnie Ware that she later used to create her book and this book is all about the top 5 regrets of the dying.

Link in show notes:

Bronnie worked in Palliative care for many years. Her patients were those who went back home to die. She spent the last 3-12 weeks with them sharing some incredible moments. She watched as they experienced a range of emotions on their way to finding their peace. 

She questioned them about their regrets and realized there were 5 most common themes.

I want to share with you today the 5 most common regrets – finishing with the number 1 regret of all.

This is not meant to be some big downer, instead a wake up call. I’m hoping that you will spend some time thinking about what you want to be able to remember about your life when you are toward the end. Don’t get stuck in it. Use these thoughts to help you reverse engineer yourself to the life you want. The life of your dreams. So let’s get started.

5.  I wish that I had let myself be happier.

These individuals did not realize that they could choose to be happy. Fear of change kept them in their comfort zones which led to them feel like they were content.

Everyone experiences fear. It is a natural response that our brains use to keep us safe. Fear is not what led to this particular regret. It was how these individuals talked to themselves about fear and how they dealt with fear. When you are afraid of fear, you avoid the feeling. You avoid fear at all costs. The only way you avoid the feeling of fear is by never stepping out of your comfort zone. When we don’t step out of your comfort zone, we don’t grow. 

I don’t know what you think about the word content but I don’t like it. Content to me is settling for something slightly above unhappy. Content is not how I want to live this life I have been given.

How do we avoid this regret: 

You avoid it by mindfully living in the present and being intentional with your time and our actions. By establishing weekly and daily mindfulness routines we thoughtfully focus our time and energy toward what is important to us instead of floating through our days. By intentionally taking action toward what is important, we will be more satisfied with our lives and with ourselves. You are choosing to do what it takes to be happier.

To be able to do this, you might need to adjust how you see and deal with fear.  And if you haven’t already listened to episode 32, that episode is with Kristen Ulmer and she gives us a new way of looking at fear and a new way of dealing with it and interacting with it that will help you avoid this regret. So I’ll put a link in the show notes, but if you haven’t already listened to it or you don’t remember episode 32, go back and relisten to it. Episode 32: how you see fear is everything with Kristen Ulmer. Now that was regret number 5. Let’s move onto regret number 4.

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends. 

I get it, we are so busy in our own lives. Women especially often feel guilty for taking time for ourselves. Taking time away from children and family to be with our friends. At the end of life there are deep regrets about not taking the time to reach out and connect.

The importance of social connnectedness is undisputed in research. Friendship has been implicated in the improvement of several important life areas of life. One study with visually impaired eldely members of society showed that those who maintained supportive friendships later in their lives had fewer depressive symptoms, higher overall life satisfaction, and were even better able to adapt to the loss of vision.

A feeling of belonging to your community, perceived social support and rich interpersonal relationships not only significantly improve recovery after physical disease, but they also act as protective factors against future relapse and illness. Meaning this sense of belonging to community helps keep us from getting sick. 

Results of other studies show that use of Facebook can promote feelings of social connectedness to peers and improve quality of life. 

So how do we avoid this regret: we work on our connectedness. 

Here are two ways we can do this: 

• If we are having problems in our close relationship – our spouse, children, loved ones, friends- we need to get to the bottom of it. What is the problem? You might need a counselor or a coach to help with this. And if you do I would say it is an investment of time and money that is well worth it. Because I am betting based on this regret, those individuals would have taken whatever money they had left at the end to go back and work on their relationships. Do it for you, do it for the ones you love if you do not having the kind of relationships you want. In the end, your relationship with yourself and your relationships with others are all that really matters.

• The second thing you can do is find time for friends. Whether far away via Zoom chat or over a cup of coffee in person. We need each other. If you are not allowing yourself time for friends, it might be because you have certain limiting beliefs. Like “I always need to be doing for others, not myself.” Or maybe there are some “not worthy”or “unlovable” or “not enough” thoughts that are getting in your way of reaching out to others. If you are not sure what it is that’s keeping you from this connectedness with friends, then it might be time to get help from a counsel. 

So that is regret number 4. Let’s move onto regret number 3.

3. I wish I had the courage to express my feelings.

Many kept feelings to themselves to avoid conflict because they were afraid to rock the boat.  Many of those with this regret actually became sick because of the level of resentment that they carried around with them as a result of not using their voices. 

How do we avoid this one: 

Find our voice and use it calmly and confidently when it comes to the things and the people that are important to us. Speak up for yourself. If you avoid conflict at all cost, it’s time to delve into that. Oftentimes it is because you don’t have the confidence in yourself and in your beliefs. You are therefore worried about judgment and criticism from others. You may be worried that if you speak up they won’t like you. I have had many clients come in my office who wanted everyone to like them. 

This was so important “women must be nice” so they were afraid to speak up.

If you are having trouble finding your voice, invest in yourself and find a professional to help you. I have had clients come into my office who could not find their voices. By the time they concluded our sessions, they were clear on what was important to them, what their boundaries were, and what actions and words were necessary to protect those boundaries. I have seen some amazing transformations from avoiding conflict at all cost to being confident in their beliefs and standing up for them. Oftentimes limiting beliefs are getting in the way. So find a counselor or a coach that has been trained as a counsel to help you with that. So that is regret number three and how to avoid it. Let’s move onto regret number 2.

2. I wish I had not worked so hard.

Now back in the time when Bronnie was helping these individuals who were at the end of their life, it was a different time, it was a different generation. It was a time when more men were working more than women. So every single male patient that Bronnie spoke to came to this regret. As women now, what can we take away from that? Well now so many more women are working and dividing our time between families and work. So I really want y’all to pay attention to this one so that you don’t wind up with the same regret. Because this regret came out of missing their children and their childrens’ special occasions and those part of their children’s lives and the companionship with their partners. 

So how do we avoid this regret?

One is being value focused in your life. When you are value focused and intentional and productive with your time, you work smarter not harder. So it is easier to have the time to spend on the other domains and other values and important aspects of those domains in your life, which are your relationships with your loved ones. If you have a weekly mindfulness routine, you can assure you’re paying the necessary attention to all important areas in your life instead of getting caught up with one area. With a daily mindfulness routine you can assure you are focused and productive. 

So that is how you avoid regret number 2. We have come to the number 1 regret of those dying.

1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself and not the life others expected of me.

That’s a pretty big one so I think it’s worth repeating. I wish I had the courage to live a life true to myself and not the life others expected of me

This was the number one top regret of the dying. At the end of life what people spent their time looking back on with regret the most – how many dreams went unfulfilled. Most of the people Bronnie cared for admitted they had not honored even half of their dreams and died knowing that it was because of their choices.

How can we avoid this number one regret: 

For this one you must let go of your perfectionism and uncover whatever other limiting beliefs you have because until you do, you will keep limiting yourself. The more you limit yourself, the more you will let go of these dreams and the possibilities that come with them and the more regrets you will have.

Second, you must understand what you value in every single one of the 8 domains and take action toward these values.

The key to living a life of no regrets is to uncover your limiting beliefs, understand what you value in all 8 domains, and take daily imperfect action toward those domains. That is how you live your most satisfying and enjoyable life with no regrets.

If you are stuck or you’re thinking your limiting beliefs might be keeping you in your comfort zone, content maybe, but not ridiculously happy and satisfied with your life – I encourage you to reach out to a counselor or a coach who has a background in counseling to help you uncover these limiting beliefs. It is the first step on your journey to your best life. 

I have also created another option to help you move from content to happy, satisfied and fulfilled with yourself and your relationships. I’ve called that Imperfect Thriving University. It includes 6 courses with over 60 short bite size videos that show you the way from these regrets and toward a more satisfying and fulfilling life. 

Here are the included topics:

1. How to have the relationships you want, which will help you get the connectedness we all need.
2. How to use Morning and Weekly Mindfulness Routines to Slay. This course helps you live mindfully and intentionally, focused and productive with your time and energy.
3. Increase your physical and mental wellbeing, once and for all: Finding Time for You. This one not only helps with your physical/mental wellbeing, but it helps you find time for all the things in your life to have optimal self-care, like spending time with your friends.
4. How to increase self-worth and self-confidence. This will help you set boundaries,stick to them, and use your voice. 
5. Set Goals and Increase Productivity so you Actually Reach Them. This helps you work focused, smarter not harder.
6. How to live the life of your dreams. This will help you uncover exactly what you want your life to look like and take imperfect daily action toward it.

So now you know the top 5 regrets for those who are dying. My hope for you is that you take those regrets, think about them, and then use them to reverse engineer you to the life that you want so that you can begin today to take the imperfect daily actions to get there. And if you want to check out Imperfect Thriving University, all you have to do is click the link on the show notes or go to imperfectthriving.com and click on courses. 

I hope you have enjoyed today’s episode and that you will go out today and give yourself a little bit of time to think about these regrets. Don’t get stuck in these regrets, it’s all about what are you gonna do with them? What are you gonna change in your life so that you move away from these regrets and toward the life that you want? And I’ll see you right back here next week.