How do you boost your self-confidence from the outside in? Is it too late for you to make a change in your appearance? How can you start focusing on what you do like, instead of what you don’t like?
In this podcast episode, Kathryn Ely speaks with Kimberly Seltzer about boosting self-confidence from the outside.
Meet Kimberly Seltzer
With vast knowledge and experience as a therapist, certified style & confidence coach, dating coach, and matchmaker, Kim Seltzer has helped thousands of people find lasting love and connection, attract success and build valuable relationships using her unique “confidence makeover” process. Using an outside-in approach, Kim has changed lives by changing their style, emotional and social intelligence using her signature formula, “The Charisma Quotient,” working on body language, first impressions, image and messaging and how it impacts attraction. This Los Angeles-based expert travels the country helping people discover confidence, charisma, and connection as a speaker at National Matchmaking Conferences, eHarmony, Neutrogena, The Guild at Universal and iDate. Kim is also a regular contributor to the Huffington Post and DigitalRomance.com, with appearances in Cosmopolitan, Oprah Magazine, Redbook, Reader’s Digest, AskMen, Fox News Magazine, Yahoo and the Washington Examiner, among a myriad of other publications. You can also find Kim as the leading love expert on the traveling live dating show The Great Love Debate and the cable reality dating show, The Romance. She is the Love Coach for the dating app Datefit. And she currently is hosting The Flirt Academy workshops nationwide.
In This Podcast
- Red dress moment
- The charisma quotient
- Pattern disruption
- Something you can do today
Red dress moment
I could not get out of my own way or out of those clothes.
After moving to LA from Chicago with her family, Kimberly realized that life as she knew it had ended. She got divorced from her husband, had fallen into a dark period despite having a great support system, and her clothes reflected her state of mind. One day she woke up, looked in the mirror and hated what she saw. She decided to go on a shopping spree and had an encounter with a red dress that changed her life.
The charisma quotient
Charisma is the magnetism that draws people to you, that gives you that confidence boost, to give you the marketability out in the world. Nobody is born with charisma, it is a learned behavior. There are 3 elements that go into the charisma quotient:
- Style intelligence – raising your style IQ which includes your wardrobe, your body language, and first impression
- Emotional intelligence – how you manage emotions and express yourself in relation to other people, how vulnerable and authentic you are
- Social intelligence – how you interact with people, how to network and read the room
If you look in the dictionary, the definition of flirting is to behave as though you’re attracted to someone without the serious intention of an outcome. Usually, the reason why people don’t flirt is that they’re thinking of the outcome and don’t want to give anyone the wrong impression or they don’t want to be rejected. This, however, is not what flirting should be about. It should be about remaining connected and present and creating a space so that people are drawn to you.
Just focus on what you can do today, maybe it’s just buying one red lipstick and trying it on to see how it feels to be noticed.
If you’re lacking self-confidence, now is the time to change things, it’s never too late. You need to start making shifts in the three areas of the charisma quotient, to help you gain that confidence to help you create new patterns to get the results that you want. It can feel very overwhelming but you have to start by taking small steps. Focus on the things that you like about yourself!
Something you can do today
The only way you are going to gain that confidence is to get out there and gain experience.
Let go of perfection and move forward towards your more confident life.
- Love, Sex & Dating in Midlife AND what to Teach our Kids About Love and Dating with Dr. Lanae St. John | IT 016
- Imperfect Thriving Email Course (Your Blueprint To Thrive)
Meet Kathryn Ely
I’m Kathryn Ely and at age 50, I’m enjoying my very best life. I spent years as a lawyer and then stay-at-home mom helping others go out into the world and live their best lives. While this was very important to me, I did not realize that I was losing myself in the process. I followed all of the “shoulds” like “women should always care for others” and “taking time for yourself is just selfish”.
As two of my children were getting ready to go out into the world I realized I was lost, without my next purpose, and it was scary. So I went back to school and over the course of several years, I not only found myself, but I designed the formula for women in midlife to achieve their most fulfilling lives. It is my mission to equip as many women as possible with this design and the tools to make this chapter of their lives the best chapter.
Thanks for listening!
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Imperfect Thriving is part of the Practice of the Practice Podcast Network, a network of podcasts seeking to help you thrive, imperfectly. To hear other podcasts like the Bomb Mom Podcast, Beta Male Revolution, or Empowered and Unapologetic, go to practiceofthepractice.com/network.
[KATHRYN]: Imperfect Thriving is a part of the Practice of the Practice podcast network, a network of podcasts seeking to help you thrive imperfectly. To hear other podcasts like the Bomb Mom podcast, Beta Male Revolution, or Empowered and Unapologetic, go to practiceofthepractice.com/network.
Welcome to the Imperfect Thriving podcast for all of us women in midlife to discover yourself limiting beliefs, determine exactly what you want your life to look like and the imperfect actions to get you there.
This is the Imperfect Thriving podcast and I’m your host, Kathryn Ely. I’m so excited about today’s podcast. We have Kimberly Seltzer. She’s a certified style and confidence coach, dating coach and matchmaker. So, I’m really excited to jump in and talk to her today. But before we do that, I want to tell you a little bit about my Blueprint to Thrive. It is a free email course that you can get at my website, imperfectthriving.com and it starts you out with a quick start which will help you look at the different areas of your life and determine where you’re satisfied and where you aren’t so that you can get to work on the areas of your life that can be so much more fulfilling and satisfying. And then you’ll receive an email, one email a week for a complete email course to help you discover what’s been holding you back, exactly what you want your life to look like and the small, imperfect daily actions to get you there. So, head on over to imperfectthriving.com and sign up for that free email course. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.
Now back to today’s episode. Now Kimberly has a vast knowledge and experience as a therapist, certified style and confidence coach, dating coach and matchmaker. She has helped thousands of people find lasting love and connection, attract success, and build valuable relationships using her unique competence make-over. Kimberly has a very cool different kind of outside-in approach and she has changed lives by changing individual styles, emotional and social intelligence, using her signature formula, The Charisma Quotient. Kimberly Seltzer, I am so happy to have you on the show today. Welcome.
[KIMBERLY]: Thank you. I love being here and I love how we met too.
[KATHRYN]: That was so much fun. Just a quick, to fill y’all in, Kimberly and I met at PodFest in Orlando right before everything started shutting down when we could still travel. That seems like a really long time ago. But we met and we sat next to each other and we just hit it off immediately and I knew just around Kimberly and her energy that I wanted to talk with her further and get to know more about what she does. So, I’m so excited that we get to do that today.
[KIMBERLY]: I know. And see our physical connection continues on virtually and that’s what I think we all have to do right now.
[KATHRYN]: Exactly. So true. I know a little bit about what you do now or quite a bit about what you do now, but tell us a little bit about your journey and your background.
[KIMBERLY]: Oh, well, I’m glad you’re asking about my journey because honestly, I can’t even talk about what I do without sharing my story because it really is the reason why I’m so passionate about doing what I do. And you know, sometimes when I hear my bio being played back, I almost chuck to myself because I can’t even almost remember how life was before this because what I’m about to tell you really changed not only my own life but the perception of how I teach, what I believe in it and I absolutely love it. So, you know, my backstory is I used to practice as a therapist in a traditional sense for many, many years. I’m from Chicago and I lived a very, what I call traditional life at the time. I had, you know, the picket fence and the dog and the kids. I mean, I still have the kids, but I had a husband at the time who I don’t any longer have and that’s really where the story ended there and began into my new journey and because we all picked up, we moved across the country, here to LA and we joke, we decided, “Oh well, we’ll do it. All the other people here, we’ll get a divorce. And obviously I was joking. There are other issues that definitely went on and this little fairy tale, but you know, I think it’s when we got here, it just highlighted so much of what was wrong and also realizing, “Wow, now I have a completely different life.” And it’s like the record just stopped, and life as I knew it completely stopped and I had no clue how I was going to move on.
If you had seen me back then, I looked very different than when I met you and Orlando. I had, you know, at that time fallen into what I called a dark period and so my clothes reflected that. They were these kinds of frumpy, oversize, I call mommy clothes. I had the Birkenstocks on, I had the nursing bras still on, I wasn’t even nursing any longer, but it just shows you how stuck I was, not only am I close, but I’m more so in my mindset. And so, the interesting thing about this journey and why it shifted my whole business is that before or up until then, I truly believed in working from the inside out. I mean, here I was a therapist and at that time, that dark period, I’ve gotten a lot of help from people. I mean, I kid you not, I had my great support system. I went through counseling and therapy myself and really did a lot of growth but again, I could not get out of my own way or out of those clothes. And so, things were not shifting yet. And I remember one day just waking up, looking in the mirror and hating what I saw. I just, it was like this shock that came over me and I’m like, “Wow, what have I become? How did I let myself go like this?” And so, what does a girl do when nothing fits her and she doesn’t like the way she looks? Well, I went shopping. That’s what, it was like shopping therapy. I wasn’t really thinking of that at the time. Truth be told, nothing really fit me. I had lost a lot of weight too. I just didn’t realize it until I started trying on my clothes more and more.
So, I go into the store and what am I doing? I’m pulling all the same black clothes that were three sizes too big, but I think I’m up-leveling myself because they’re new clothes. And so, this personal shopper, she comes up to me and she says, “Ma’am, you know, I’ve been watching you and I thought maybe you’d like to try this on.” And she holds up a red dress that looked like three sizes too small. And she said, you know, “Try this on. I think you’d look really good in it.” And I looked at her and I said, “That’s so sweet of you, but that’s really not my size and God, that’s not my color.” She said, “Honey, that is your size, that is your color. Try it on.” Just like that. And I feel like in that moment she hit me over the head with that red dress and I call it my red dress moment and when I woke up, I was like, “Wow, you know what she is right. I need to try this on.” And so, I tried it on, I turned around like Cinderella, I looked in the mirror yet again and bam, I saw a completely different woman. There was this thing that just came over me. It’s like, “Wow, I’m a princess.” You know, like I just hadn’t seen myself like that in so long or really ever, I think.
So, I bought the red dress that day almost as a costume and I call it a costume because I totally didn’t believe that that’s what I looked like or that I would truly wear it. But like in Halloween I thought, “Okay, well if I put this costume on, maybe something will happen.” And really it did. And so that power, the red dress, what it did for me is I went out into the world and I realized that I started gaining more attention. You know, men started looking at me and, in those moments, I realized, “Wow, I was hiding this whole time.” It wasn’t, I mean, the clothes were, virtually before, the black clothes were cloak so that I would remain invisible so that I wouldn’t be seen. And the red dress allowed me to be seen and be comfortable with that and with that, my confidence grew. So, I recognize the symbiotic relationship between the outer and the inner. And that’s where everything started changing in the way that I approach clients and helping people, because sometimes you have to viscerally see and feel differently in order to make those internal changes. And the outside is the fastest gateway to get there.
[KATHRYN]: Yeah, absolutely. I love that. So even, yeah, even after all of the work that you did on your inside, you’re still looking in the mirror and seeing that same person that you were before. So, it really took looking in the mirror and seeing yourself in a different way to really affect that change?
[KIMBERLY]: Exactly. That was like a good summary. And I see my, you know, just evidence of that in my clients when they walk out of the dressing room and they look in the mirror and you know, I often take pictures and sometimes we have photoshoots and people see themselves. It’s like this whole shift happens in a very short amount of time, which then kind of snowballs into everything else that they’re working on. And that’s what’s beautiful because, you know, really at the end of the day, and I always tell people this, whether you’re trying to attract love or new business or new clients, because I work both in the love world and in the business world, is that it’s not about the other people that you’re trying to attract. It’s really about you because when you love you, that’s when people will too and that’s when you attract what you want,
[KATHRYN]: Oh absolutely. If you don’t value yourself, you can forget about selling that to someone else.
[KIMBERLY]: A hundred percent. A hundred percent, and that’s why it’s fun to teach people about just fundamental things that can cause more confidence when you’re shopping. Like you know, teaching them about their body type and the colors that flatter their skin tone and different styles that look good on them and what styles speak to the opposite sex when it comes to attraction or speaks to a networking group so that you can increase your sales. So those are tangible, actionable things that you can do that really can make a difference in the way that people perceive you, and then we’ll move on to trust you, to hire you, to ask you out on a date. And so, it does, it’s like a domino effect.
[KATHRYN]: So, you know, there’s nothing like going through something yourself before you help others with it. I mean, you can understand exactly what your clients need. What is your confidence makeover process? Kind of take me through that what you do with your clients.
I know we’re always our own best teachers. I chuckled to myself because I think about how I was a young therapist. I mean, I went right from undergrad to graduate and then right to moving into being a therapist. And I think now reflecting back, I think I helped people, don’t get me wrong, but it’s like what you just said, when I went through that whole thing, wow, it’s like, well, I didn’t get it at all. You know, and so, it does give me a different perspective and then, you know, my ability to help others. And so, the process that I developed, I call it, well the formula that I use is the Charisma Quotient. It’s part of the confidence makeover process, but it’s the formula that I use. It’s also the name of my podcast a you know, you’ve been on that I can’t wait to share it to the world. And so, there are three ingredients, if you will, or elements that go into the charisma quotient. And why I love using the word charisma is if, you know, I did a lot of research on it and it really does kind of capture what I teach. It’s that magnetism that just draws people to you, that gives you that confidence boost to give you that marketability out into the world. And what’s so cool about charisma is that no one’s born with it. No, you’re not born, yeah, you are not. Like you are not born with charisma. It is a learned behavior that your environment shapes.
You know, like you may have a disposition as a baby that then you get feedback from the environment from that cultivates that like, you know, obviously babies are almost naturally charismatic and ways of cooing and Googling and making eye contact, which is kind of, you know, like what charisma. But it’s the interplay of the environment. And so, what’s cool about that is that it means it’s teachable, it’s learnable and I see this all the time. And I work with ages 18 all the way up to 85 and it doesn’t matter how old you are. You can learn like the fundamentals of these three ingredients. So, the first ingredient is what I call style intelligence. This is what I’m talking about a lot. It’s raising your style IQ and with that is your wardrobe, your first depressions, your body language, all of the things that make up how you market yourself.
Then I move into the second ingredient, which is emotional intelligence, which you know, a lot of us teach. It’s a big thing right now. But what I look at is how we manage emotions and express ourselves in ways of, you know, in relation to other people especially. So, you know, how vulnerable you are, how’s your ability to be authentic, to express your feelings so that people really feel you and you’re making more meaningful connections? It’s really tapping into that part of you, you can set boundaries and be in that state of vulnerability in a very comfortable way. That is a very fundamental kind of characteristic when people make those deeper connections.
And then the third ingredient is social intelligence. And that is like taking it to the streets. You know, how you interact with people, and yes, that includes flirting. And so, a big part of what I teach is flirting and I do like flirt workshops all over and that’s super fun. But, you know, at the end of the day, again, it’s learning how to network, how to read the room, how to read emotions on other people as well as manage yourself.
[KATHRYN]: Okay, well I just learned something there because I thought Paul Newman and Kevin Costner were just born with it.
[KIMBERLY]: No, they were not. I know. Well, and you know, it’s so funny because I, another person I think is very charismatic is George Clooney. I had the pleasure of meeting him in person and it was —
[KIMBERLY]: Yes, I have a picture somewhere, and of course, like it was the worst picture of me. I had my eyes closed, but still I have a picture of him and I, because I was thinking to myself, is it an act? You know, like, do we see what we see on screen, the real thing, and I have to say hundred percent, it was the real deal. He’s the real deal. I mean, the way he was working the room, just observing some of the things he was doing or the things that I teach, you know, he just made everyone feel so connected to him and he was so present when he was talking to everyone. And he didn’t discriminate. Like whoever he was talking to, he was so focused on, with his eye contact, with his relaxed body language, the way he laughed, the way he made people feel it was, it was fascinating.
So yes, all of these people that you see out there, they learned it somewhere. Now, some of us learned it earlier than others. So maybe we grew up with a role model and that was just, you know, easy for us but others had to learn it somewhere else and along the way. Now there’s different levels and there’s different kinds and types of charisma as well. And so, the other thing I want to highlight is that, you know, don’t try to be something you are not either. You know, if you tend to be more of an introvert and low key, for you, charisma isn’t going to be this loud person, the life of the party in a room. It’s going to be more of a quiet charisma. But what my clients end up feeling, and I have a term for it now, I call it the charisma glow. There’s a glow that you get when you start building your confidence and you start having this kind of glow about you that just attracts people. My clients will come back and say, “Kim, it’s weird. Like my family and friends are asking me if I lost weight or if I got a facial. Like they don’t know what it is.” Like, yep, you’ve experienced the charisma glow. So, it’s really, really awesome.
[KATHRYN]: Do you think that some of what goes into that is when you start getting that confidence from the outside in that you are able to let go of some of your anxieties, free up your mind from the worry, and actually focus on the interactions with the people that are around you at the moment? To me, charisma, at least part of it is having this connection with the person that you’re talking to and that person feeling like they’re the only person in the room.
[KIMBERLY]: Oh, I think there’s a lot of truth to what you’re saying and in fact, when your confidence goes up, you do worry less about what other people think or feel because the value of yourself is within rather than what other people are giving you. And so, there is a direct correlation to what you’re saying and yes, I see that happen all the time because one of my biggest goals when I do the wing girl sessions and I’m out with people, I teach them this formula. It’s called a social engagement formula and how people can get out of their heads and more into their emotions and storytelling and connected conversations so that it is more connected and present as you’re stating. And with that, people kind of forget all their insecurities and worries because they’re actually enjoying the conversation. You know, I’ve talked to a lot of people who’ve labeled themselves introverts almost falsely and because when I dig a little bit deeper on why they think they’re an introvert, they say, “Oh well just, it’s exhausting having conversations with people.” But then when I strip it down, it’s because they’re not having a conversation that’s more personal and heart-driven and feeling driven. They’re having these little topical conversations about facts that die pretty quickly. And so, it’s no wonder they’re bored. It’s no wonder they’re getting exhausted because those aren’t connected conversations. So once people learn some of this stuff, it really can be freeing. And yeah, I think you’re right. Like it has a more kind of groundedness to the connection.
[KATHRYN]: So, when you start working with the client, do you start on the style intelligence part of the charisma quotient?
[KIMBERLY]: I do. I’ll start, you know, I mean really when I first sit down with someone, whether it’s virtually or in person, I put my therapist hat on and I would just get a real good history. I always joke from the time they’re in an embryo all the way up until now. I’m sure you do something similar because it is important. I don’t believe in cookie-cutter approaches. I think that we all are unique and what is connected to the past is connected to the future and the patterns that get created. And so, before I move into those three ingredients, it’s important for me to understand where people have come from. And from there then we do what I call a pattern disruption. It’s looking for those patterns and then saying, “Okay, wherein their style intelligence, emotional intelligence, and social intelligence are there these loops that people are getting in that’s causing the result that they don’t want?
And so, if it is their style, then you better believe, I’m going to like shift them. And that’s the quickest shift. It’s like, “Oh well yeah, no wonder you’re not getting clicks on your pics on Bumble,” which is a dating app or all you non-singles out there. If they’re not getting any action, maybe it’s just changing a few pictures in the way that they look in them and they’ll get an instant result from that. You know, but there are some people who are highly stylists, who have really great clothes and they actually really take care of themselves and have great first impressions. And so that’s a different conversation. That’s something that maybe they need to heighten more of the emotional piece that maybe they’re really guarded and they use clothes as almost a way to covering up their authentic self. So, you know, that’s what I’m saying like we really kind of have to peel back the layers and find out what the core issues are. But yes, I do like to do the assessment piece, like working from the outside then go in.
[KATHRYN]: So, tell me, you mentioned earlier a little bit about flirting and the necessity of flirting. Tell me more about that.
[KIMBERLY]: No, I knew you’d come back to, everybody loves that topic. It’s so funny like there’s something about even the word that people have associations with and some people just love it and they’re fascinated by it and they get excited around it. And then there are some people who dread it, who roll their eyes, who are like, “Ooh, I hate flirting. That’s so uncomfortable.” And so, yeah, I actually am doing a lot of virtual flirt workshops, believe it or not, all over and it’s been really fun because really what gets wrapped up in flirting, it actually goes all back to the charisma factor and the confidence. But what’s interesting, if you look in the dictionary the term flirting, it’s to behave as though you are attracted to someone without the serious intention of an outcome. Now the problem is, is that people, that last part I just said, getting attached to the outcome, this is usually why people don’t flirt because they’re thinking too far ahead of it. They’re thinking of the outcome. There’s, “Oh, you know, I don’t want to give him the wrong impression or I don’t want him to like me for sex. I want him to like me for me. I don’t do it right. I don’t want to be rejected.”
I mean, I have lists that go on and on and on that are universal, but the truth is that’s not what flirting supposed to be about at all. It’s supposed to be kind of what you just said, Kathryn. It’s remaining connected and present and creating a space so that people are drawn to you and that approachability factor that you’re creating that allows you to meet people., And it’s that playfulness that I really like to teach.
[KATHRYN]: Yeah, it is being genuinely interested in other people and listening to them, being present with them to the point that they feel special.
[KIMBERLY]: Yeah. Now with that being said, there is a big difference between being friendly versus being flirty. And this is where a lot of people then have trouble where then they’ll fall into the friend zone as they call it. And so there are conversations and skills and things that I teach that can give the signals that this is, like for, I mean and obviously I’m talking about if you’re single, there are signals you can give people to indicate that you are attracted to the person so that they see you as a potential date or potential sexual partner. So, that’s a whole other conversation. But in just the broad stroke sense of what flirting is about, you know, even when you’re networking, even when you’re in a business meeting and you know, sometimes people are like, “Oh, I can’t flirt at a business network.” Absolutely you can. Like, flirting is what’s so fun. I mean, Kevin was flirting with you when I met you at PodFest. Like it doesn’t even have to be the opposite sex.
[KATHRYN]: It’s fine.
[KIMBERLY]: It’s like, well you and I were very playful. We have that openness with each other and that’s why we were like, “Oh well we need to continue this conversation and we need to stay connected.” That’s what it’s about.
[KATHRYN]: Right, right. I bet that flirting is very useful in marriage, not just in single life.
[KIMBERLY]: Oh yeah. I’ve been having a lot of comments, especially in quarantine and I don’t know when people are going to be listening to the show, but right now, you know, couples are with each other quite a bit and you know, just thinking about ways to keep dating your partner and add that kind of fun element. And that could get tough when you have the daily humdrum routine day in and day out. You know, and you can kind of forget about that. So absolutely. I mean, all the things that I teach about dating, I teach to couples to reignite some of that attraction factor.
[KATHRYN]: I like that. Do you have a favorite transformation story of one of your clients?
[KIMBERLY]: Oh, I have so many but one that comes to mind and might’ve shared this with you before, but it, why I like this is that it kind of hits all the elements that we are talking about from the outside. It was a woman who called me up. It was gosh, I want to say maybe four years ago now. And she had not dated in 25 years. She’d been divorced for a really long time and her daily routine was like, you know, her kids were grown, she was going to work, coming home, didn’t have much of a social life and she just got to the point where she was fed up. And so, she called me and she’s like, “You know what, I don’t care what it takes, just whatever your biggest package.” And so, she did a whole makeover weekend with me, which included the shopping, the coaching and flirting, the photoshoot, the styling, hair, the makeup, everything. And when I sat down and I spoke with her, we got a good history and I really was recognizing how much she was giving her power away, even in her body language, even how she was talking to me and apologizing for things she shouldn’t be apologizing for.
So, I really started to get a feel for why she was having a hard time with dating or attracting a lopsided relationship. So, what we did is we started with her style intelligence because she was stuck in a rut, style rut and she was wearing kind of Dowdy clothes to work. And so, we are walking into the store and she stops right before walking in and she says, “Kimberly, there’s something I need to tell you I didn’t share with you yet.” I said, “What’s that?” She said, “Well, I haven’t looked in the mirror in like 15 years. I cover all my mirrors at home.”
[KIMBERLY]: Yeah. And I said, “Wow, well thank you for telling me and it’s okay. I got you. So, let’s just go in and see what happens.” And so, we are walking through the store and I see like there are tears going down her face and she’s just hyperventilating, almost having a panic attack. And I said, “Look, I want you to do me a favor. I just want you to try this jacket on and I want you to try these shoes on and then I want you to twirl around and give me just five seconds in the mirror.” Now if I was a therapist practicing how I used to, maybe I would have done at that point, some cognitive therapy, and talked her down and do some body image work. But honestly, that’s not what she needed. She needed to see herself differently. Just plain and simple. Like it didn’t matter what other people told her. She had to feel that. And so, she turned around and she had the mirror moment like I did in my red dress. And she’s looking in the mirror and it’s like one, two, three, four, five, six, seven and just like she just kept staring at herself. And again, the tears are rolling down her face and she looks at me and she said, “I haven’t seen myself look so beautiful in my entire life.”
And so now at this point, I’m tearing up and we’re hugging each other and I literally created a monster after that because then we’re pulling all these clothes, we’re skipping through the store, she’s trying on the clothes with the door open. I mean, this is a woman who had body shame and covering her mirrors and she’s just like on, and this is just a matter of hours. And we got all these beautiful clothes, we had the photoshoot, she looked gorgeous in the photo. She couldn’t believe how, you know, just looking at herself, what she had become. And she went back home, she started dating up a storm and within that pool of people that she started dating, I think it was like six months later, she got herself a boyfriend and they are still together today.
[KATHRYN]: Oh wow. I love that story.
[KIMBERLY]: And it was, you know, again, it wasn’t just putting on the jacket that did it, just like my red dress. It was a domino effect, right? Like she had to have a pattern disruption. She had a story around herself and we had to change that story for her to create a new one and from there it just kept going. And obviously I did coaching afterward and we had phone sessions and whatnot, but it shows you when you do the work and when you shift a few things, what magic can happen.
[KATHRYN]: So, what advice would you give our listeners if they are maybe in midlife, you know, been focused on others instead of themselves and they’re lacking in self-confidence? What advice would you give them?
[KIMBERLY]: You know, and in, that’s probably one of the biggest challenges that a lot of times people come to me for. And you know, there’s what I all hear from a lot of people in the aging process. It’s like, you know, it used to be so easy when I went out to a date. I didn’t have to worry about how to get men to look at me. I just look good and I could just put on cute clothes and it was fine. And you know, I’ll challenge them though a little bit about that because you know, usually again, after getting a history there are patterns. It’s not just, “Oh, everything was fine one day and then it was not.” So, what I say is that this is actually highlighting a few things to help you realize that this is the time to focus on in, this is the time to change things and it’s never too late. I mean, my answer lies within the same thing I’ve been talking about. I think it’s doing little shifts and little things in those three areas of the charisma quotient, your style, your emotional and social intelligence to help you gain that confidence to start creating new patterns, and get the results that you want. And so, it doesn’t matter where you are at in that continuum. The same rule applies. It just might be different things.
And one thing I’ll say about it is that it can feel really overwhelming. You know, you might be listening to this and saying, “Wow, I don’t even know where to start. If I knew how to get the confidence I would,” you know, and so what I say is that just start small because those little wins will add up to the bigger picture and the bigger success overall. Just focus on what you can do today. Maybe it’s just buying one red lipstick and trying it on and see how it feels to be noticed with the red lipstick on. Maybe it’s saying no to somebody because you never say no because you’re [crosstalk]. Yeah, because your whole life you’ve been serving others and people-pleasing. Well maybe this is the time to say no and see who’s really like your friend. You know, maybe it’s time to practice making eye contact with a guy and just getting comfortable with that. And you know, just again starting small.
[KATHRYN]: And stop telling yourself that you’re too old to change or that you’re too old to worry about your appearance or to look at your appearance or to focus on your appearance. I mean, I think there are so many limiting beliefs that can get in our way as women as we age because of how society values youth and well, we could be our own worst enemy when it comes to that.
[KIMBERLY]: Oh yeah. That is so well put. And I think that it’s just the opposite, to be honest. I mean, there’s nothing sexier than a woman who knows who she is, where she lives having being really comfortable in her body and with age, sometimes that’s easier, too. Like, you could flip it and say, “I used to really worry about having the flattest stomach I have because that’s what gave me confidence. But I know that that’s not really what’s giving me confidence. Like I enjoy the little pouch I have because I had kids and I have that experience. I enjoy some of the things that are going on within my body because I know that there’s so much of me and I have more experience sexually too.” You know, so, it’s having conversations and this is what I do even when I’m dressing women; is that a lot of times as women we focus on what we don’t like versus what we do like.
And so, okay, looking in the mirror, I get that maybe you don’t like this, but I want to hear about what are three body parts that you do like, and let’s get clothes that emphasize that so it gives you that confidence. You know, I just, two years ago I styled an 85-year-old woman and talk about never too late and you know, she was nervous and saying, “I don’t know? Is it too late, too late?” Until we started going into the dressing room and trying on all these things and she looked like a million bucks and we still went out and did a wing girl session and do you know, she met a guy as we were coaching together.
[KATHRYN]: That’s so fantastic.
[KIMBERLY]: It’s never too late
[KATHRYN]: To realize your value.
[KIMBERLY]: Yes. Hallelujah.
[KATHRYN]: Absolutely. And I think that you’ve brought something or that you have something to share with our audience.
[KIMBERLY]: I do, and as we’ve been talking about the easiest gateway to build that confidence is through your style. I have a body type guide for women that I think you’ll really enjoy. You know, basically, there are five body types and once you know your body type, you know what clothes go well on your body type. So, the guide walks you through how to measure yourself. Now, one thing that I want to highlight is that it’s not about your weight. This is about your bone structure. So, you measure your, your shoulders, your waist, your hips, and that determines your body structure and your silhouette. Then the guide goes into what makes you know, what flatters that particular body type, and what to stay away from. So, it almost gives you a blueprint when you go shopping, it makes it so much easier and therefore you’ll feel more confident in your clothes.
[KATHRYN]: Oh, I love that. Okay y’all, it’s going to be in the show notes. You’re going to have to grab that before you go shopping for your next date, whether it is with your husband, with your friends, with whoever. You’re going to need this style guide before you go shopping to get that awesome new red dress or whatever it is that you choose that makes you feel your best. And so, I could talk to you all day, Kimberly.
[KIMBERLY]: You too.
[KATHRYN]: But I know that it’s about time to wrap this up. So, what is the one imperfect action you would suggest that our listeners take today to bring them closer to their best, more confident lives?
[KIMBERLY]: I love that you use this like the imperfect, perfect thing. It’s so brilliant because I tell people all the time there is, to me, there’s no such thing as perfection because being imperfect is perfect in my eyes. When you fail is when you succeed. So, what I mean by that is I don’t even believe in imperfection or failure. It’s about the experience. And the only way going to gain that confidence is to get out there and get experience. So, if you don’t think you’re perfect when you’re going out there and flirting good, that’s a good thing. Because if you’re trying to be perfect, you’ll probably come across as stiff or not real. So, fail miserably and have fun doing it and laugh at yourself and play because in reality then that is perfect and you will attract somebody. Fantastic.
[KATHRYN]: I love that. So, if our listeners want to learn more about you or attend any of your virtual workshops, where should they go to find out more?
[KIMBERLY]: Yeah, the easiest is to go to my website. It’s kimmyseltzer.com (K, I, M, M, Y), seltzer.com, and you can find me all over social media. And of course, my podcast is Charisma Quotient.
[KATHRYN]: Okay. That is awesome. Kimberly, I’m so glad that you’ve joined me today and I’m so glad that all the listeners have joined us today and I would just reiterate exactly what can Kimmy said. So, the one imperfect action I encourage you to do is really to let go of perfection and start to move forward, moving forward towards your more confident life. Just let go of trying to be perfect and go with it. And when you do that, pat yourself on the back, celebrate the fact that you took an action toward the life that you want.
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