Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

Why do women struggle with self-care?

Do you find you have so many things to do each day that you never get to the things you want to do for yourself? Like exercise, eating healthy meals, getting a pedicure, cozying up on the sofa in front of a fire place?

Why is it so hard for women to put ourselves first at times?

In This Podcast

• Why do women struggle with self-care?
• Why self-care is important
• Self-care tips

Why do women struggle with self-care?

Women discount the toll that emotional labor puts on us. Between work, kids school, and everything else we have to do, we feel like we have to constantly be on guard and ready.

Women tend to feel guilty or self-indulgent if we take time to take care of our own needs. 

We are taught that women should put others first. Self-care messaging in advertising directed at women is generally a sales pitch for something we don’t need.

The message is, “you deserve it.” We then associate the practice of self-care with pampering or being indulgent. It is not a want, it is a necessity. 

Why self-care is important

Self-care is our right. It is vital for health and well-being. Chronic stress wreaks havoc on our health. It weakens our immune system and inflames the body. Chronic stress makes us more susceptible to colds, weight gain, sleep issues, stomach ulcers, depression, diabetes and heart disease.

Understand that just because have been programmed to put ourselves last, doesn’t mean that we continue on that path. We are arguably better caregivers when we take the time to care for ourselves first. Simply put, it is identifying and meeting our needs. We can’t show up for the others the way we want to when we are depleted.

Self-value and self-care are inextricably connected. If you value yourself highly, you will prioritize your own self-care. Recognize if you do not value yourself as much as you could. Fill out ultimate self-value worksheet here to remind yourself of your own worth and why you are special, important and deserving.

Self-care tips

1. Practice self-compassion. Start by checking in and listening to your mind, your body and your heart.
2. Mindful eating. Put some time and energy planning the type of foods you want to put into your body. Feed it the necessary fuel.
3. Get in touch with your values. What are you values when it comes to your own self-care?

• Do you want to be a healthy role model for your children?
• Do you want to have the energy to pursue your life purpose?
• Do you want to be the best version of yourself?

4. Prioritize self-care and make it a non-negotiable. Set boundaries to protect it. Schedule self-care on your calendar before your week fills up. Then when your schedule is full, protect your self-care time. Don’t give it up. 

5. Change how you talk to yourself. Become your own best friend and cheerleader. Be kind, be forgiving. Care enough about you to take care of you and believe that you are worth it.

Useful links:

• Let’s Be Curious with Debra Kasowski | IT 061
• Imperfect Thriving Facebook Group
• Imperfect Thriving on Instagram
• Imperfect Thriving Free Email Course (Your Blueprint To Thrive)

Meet Kathryn Ely

I’m Kathryn Ely and at age 50, I’m enjoying my very best life. I spent years as a lawyer and then stay-at-home mom helping others go out into the world and live their best lives. While this was very important to me, I did not realize that I was losing myself in the process. I followed all of the “shoulds” like “women should always care for others” and “taking time for yourself is just selfish”.

As two of my children were getting ready to go out into the world I realized I was lost, without my next purpose, and it was scary. So I went back to school and over the course of several years, I not only found myself, but I designed the formula for women in midlife to achieve their most fulfilling lives. It is my mission to equip as many women as possible with this design and the tools to make this chapter of their lives the best chapter.

Thanks for listening!

Did you enjoy this podcast? Feel free to leave a comment below or share this podcast on social media! You can also leave a review of the Imperfect Thriving Podcast on iTunes and subscribe!

Imperfect Thriving is part of the Practice of the Practice Podcast Network, a network of podcasts seeking to help you thrive, imperfectly. To hear other podcasts like the Bomb Mom Podcast, Beta Male Revolution, or Empowered and Unapologetic, go to practiceofthepractice.com/network.

Podcast Transcription

Ernest Hemingway said, “The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much and forgetting that you are special, too.”

Why do women struggle with self-care?

Do you find you have so many things to do each day that you never get to the things you want to do for yourself? Like exercise, eating healthy meals, getting a pedicure, cozying up on the sofa in front of a fire place?

Why is it so hard for women to put ourselves first at times. To listen to our bodies, our hearts and our minds and give ourselves what we need?

Self-care has never more important than it is now. The New York Times reported that 1 in 3 jobs held by women has been designated as essential. Women holding these jobs are often underpaid and undervalued. Even those women not on front lines are experiencing disproportionate amount of emotional labor with job, plus children at home doing online school.

Between work, kids school, and everything else we have to do, we feel like we always have to be on guard. We always have to be ready.

I love that term emotional labor. I think we as women discount the toll that emotional labor puts on us. 

We tend to put everyone else first – children, spouse, parents, friends, even pets because we have learned that is what a good woman does, right?

We feel guilty or self-indulgent if we take time to take care of our own needs. 

Does this happen to you? I know this is something I have struggled with over the years. I remember when my first child was born. It was difficult for me to take the time to take a shower because I felt like I needed to be available at a moment’s notice to meet his every need. 

Not only are we taught that women should put others first,  we often see the message of self-care in advertising directed at women, generally as a sales pitch for something we don’t need.

We are told, you deserve it. So it makes sense that we would associate the practice of self-care with pampering or being indulgent. It is not a want, it is a necessity. 

It’s time to view self-care differently. As our right. After all, it is really just taking care of yourself, which is vital for health and well-being.

More specifically, self-care means identifying and meeting your own needs. Most of the time, we don’t take the time to even identify what we need. What fills us up inside.

Through my practice I help many women, and men, move away from anxiety and depression and toward more satisfying and fulfilling lives. When we look at the domain of mental and physical wellbeing, I often find that women are not taking care of themselves the way they want to or know they need to. I have seen a pattern in these clients. The reason they never get to their own self-care is because of a lack of self-value.

A limiting belief that often gets in the way from women in self-care, is self-care is selfish. And we definitely don’t want to be selfish.

Self-value and self-care are inextricably connected. If you value yourself highly, you will prioritize your own self-care. You will listen to your body and your mind and give both what they need to recharge, to be the best version of yourself for you or for those you love and take care of. If you do not value yourself highly, then exercise, eating healthy, or just taking time to do whatever brings you joy or lifts you up does not happen. It is the one thing that you never get to on your list of to do’s. 

So why is self-care so important? Chronic stress wreaks havoc on our health. It weakens the immune system and inflames the body. Making us more susceptible to colds, weight gain, sleep issues, stomach ulcers, depression, diabetes and heart disease.

Let’s face it, when we are stressed and worn down, convenience beats good choices. I know you know what I’m talking about. If I am running around frazzled and I have over scheduled myself, I am much more likely to grab something out of the pantry or refrigerator that is not a great choice. Not only is our body suffering due to the stress and inflammation, we are more likely to not exercise and to eat unhealthy foods when we are stressed.

We can’t show up for the others the way we want to when we are depleted. We must fill our own cups and let others drink from the saucer instead of letting everyone drain our cup dry.

When we have been trained not to value our own self-care, how do we break the habit of putting ourselves last?

First having the understanding that just because we have been taught to put ourselves last, does not mean that we have to continue to do so. Putting ourselves first at times does not mean we are selfish. You can still be an amazing, and even more effective caregiver, by taking the time to care for yourself. You are the only person who can put your self-care first. 

Second, is recognizing if you do not value yourself as much as you could. I have the ultimate self-value worksheet attached to the show notes that you can print and fill out to remind yourself of your own worth and why you are special, important and deserving .

Now what are some ways we can practice self-care?

I intentionally use the word practice because self-care is an acquired skill and it does takes practice. 

1. Practice self-compassion. Start by checking in and listening to your mind, your body and your heart. When you wake you in the morning ask your mind-what do I need today? Ask your body what do you need today. Is it rest, is it exercise, what is it? Ask your heart what is needs? Does it need connection with those special to you? Does it need to reconnect you with why you should love yourself? No one know better than you what you need. But often times we only ask our minds and we leave the other parts of us out of the equation.  So ask your body, ask your mind, ask your heart needs today. That is tip number 1. Tip number two is…
2. Mindful eating: Eating transitions from a mindless practice of filling the void — both physical and emotional — to a pleasurable experience of tasting and enjoying food. Less food is needed to feel satisfied, and addictive foods lose their power. Put some time and energy planning the type of foods you want to put into your body. How do you want your body to perform for you? Feed it the necessary fuel. This is one way that you can show yourself your own self-value. That you value who you are by valuing what you put in your body. That’s tip number 2, practice mindful eating. Tip number three is…
3. Get in touch with your values. What are your values when it comes to your own self-care?

• Do you want to be a healthy role model for your children?
• Do you want to have the energy to pursue your life purpose?
• Do you want to be the best version of yourself?

Why is self-care important to you. If you are clear on the why, it is much easier to follow through with action. Tip number three, get in touch with what you value when it comes to your own mental and physical wellbeing. Tip number four…

4. Prioritize self-care and make it a non-negotiable and set boundaries to protect it. When you make a doctor’s appointment or dentist appointment, you put it on calendar and schedule around it. You don’t say, I’m going to go to this appointment if nothing else comes up that bumps it out of the way. You put it on your calendar and go to the appointment. Your self-care time is every bit as important to your health and overall wellbeing as going to the doctor and dentist. Schedule self-care on your calendar before your week fills up. Then when your schedule is full, protect your self-care time. Don’t give it up. 

What happens when you do everything you can for everyone else all of the time?

People take advantage of you even if they don’t do it intentionally. They keep pushing the boundaries until you draw a firm line in the sand.

It is easy to never draw that line when you are not clear on what you want and what you need. Protecting your well-being is essential to self-care.  By setting boundaries on your time, your space, the people you surround yourself with and your energy, you can teach the people you care about how to treat you.

When you do this consistently, people will know when you’re unavailable because you’re taking care of yourself. They will learn to respect this and they will learn to respect you. In fact, they may learn a new practice themselves.

Imagine you are a woman who takes time every morning to spend the first hour of her day in self-reflection, exercise, and reading. Setting herself up for an amazing day.

How do you think she will feel as the day unfolds, even if she faces some obstacles that could derail her? She is going to feel self-assured. Self-reliant. And dare I say, empowered. That is tip number four. Prioritize self-care, make it a non-negotiable, and set boundaries to protect it. On to tip number five…

5. Change how you talk to yourself.

Another important piece of self-care is the way you express yourself to yourself. How do you talk to yourself?

It starts with becoming your own best friend and cheerleader. Be kind, be forgiving. Care enough about you to take care of you and believe that you are worth it. There are many ways to take care of yourself behind a bubble bath. Beyond a manicure. It might look like:

• A walk in the woods or on the beach, feeling the sand beneath your toes. Walking your dog around the neighborhood. 
• Just being still for a while, taking a moment out of your busy day to listen quietly to a guided meditation.
• Buy yourself flowers, arrange them, and sit with a cup of tea just taking in their fragrance.
• Slow down your pace. Breathe deeply. Become more mindful of what you’re doing and enjoy living in that present moment. Enjoy that experience, however small it is.
• Move your body in ways that relieve stress for you. For some, this may be running and hiking. For others, it may be yoga or pilates. It might be stretching or lifting weights at the gym.
• Be creative. Whatever that might mean for you, engage in an activity that you love doing.
• Allow yourself the grace to take an hour, or an afternoon, and immerse yourself into something fun and mindless. We don’t always have to be productive. Sometimes being unproductive is the most productive thing we can do. 
• Surround yourself with people who make you laugh every day.
• Get a new hairstyle. Get a massage. 
• Most importantly, find time to allow yourself to dream. 
• We dream as children. It’s automatic to be creative and imaginative. Somehow when we become adults, we drop it as child’s play, as something that we don’t need. Believe me, I used to not take the time to dream. Just taking a few moments several times a week, to dream about what I want my life to look like in the future motivates me to move forward. So especially take time to dream. 

If you are new to this, try different things to fill up your cup. Treat it as an experience. See what works for you, then do more of it. Remember it’s a practice, we’re not going to be perfect at it. 

My hope is that the one imperfect action that you take today is take the time to value yourself and show yourself some love. Ask yourself, what do I need today and give yourself the time and the grace to do it.

And I will see you right back here next week. Go out and take imperfect action toward the life you want.